Why does it often take a life threatening experience to learn how to live? For years I ran on empty. I worked a lot, played very little, and downtime was the time I laid in bed every night worrying about my failures of the day and troubles of tomorrow. I’ve always been a glass half empty kind of person. But when I could clearly see God’s blessings it the darkest, scariest time in my life, I knew it would change me forever.
Four days before Christmas, I learned I had a brain tumor. It may have been the best thing that has every happened to me. Through my experience I’ve learned that all of the things that made me a high-stressed, low-energy person before are really just the “small stuff.” My lack of gratitude hid the blessings that each day brought my way. Looking back I can see the blessings in my life over the last 12 months that lead to potentially life-saving brain surgery, and it has changed who I am. Today I am filled with gratitude.
From the moment I realized that I had a brain tumor, I surrendered and had to let God’s blessings carry me through the most frightening time in my life. In a horribly desperate situation, I found a peace that I cannot begin to explain. I truly believe that God picked me up and carried me. He carries me still as I learn to work through the emotions of my journey: panic of finding out I had a brain tumor, fear of having surgery, joy of finding out it was benign, nervousness of knowing it may someday come back, and that unexplained peace of mind that comes with knowing for certain that God has a plan for me. And he’s not done with me yet.
Whether it is to help me through my situation, to help me to continuously count blessings in my life, to help others find blessings in their own lives or to help others see God’s amazing works, I feel He is calling me to tell my story through this blog – one blessing at a time.
As I continue to count the endless blessings in everyday life, I will share my journey here. Follow me as I share scripture or explain how I am facing everyday challenges with Jesus at my side.
For those that want to know what has brought me to this place, here is where my story began.
My Meningioma
Four days before Christmas I had to tell my husband of 10 years that I had a brain tumor. Over the last six months it had proven to be fast growing and it likely wouldn’t stop growing. I had to apologize for not telling him about it sooner. I had to find a way to help him understand that not telling him was my way of protecting him from worry. It was the scariest conversation I’ve ever had to have. He embraced me and said what any good husband would say, “We’ll get through it.” He was in it with me. I will never keep anything from him again!
We spent Christmas looking at it in a whole new way. I was looking at it as if it could be my last. You can’t help but think that way when you know you have a brain tumor. So for the season, I put away my phone and iPad and focused on my daughter and husband. I spent quality time with my mom and sister, which knew nothing of the tumor at that point. It was a wonderful Christmas, but filled with a lot of tears cried in the shower where I could hide my fear from everyone.
The two weeks that followed were filled with doctors’ appointments, anxiety, more tears and a lot of prayers. I started praying the rosary daily, and I wasn’t even certain I was doing it right. But I prayed it anyway. (Don't judge me. I've only been Catholic a few years.)
I told my mom the weekend before I saw a neurosurgeon. Still, I told her it was probably nothing and not to worry. Three physicians told us they were not exactly sure what “it” was. Finally, through God putting the right people in the right places at the right time, a neurosurgeon looked pointedly at my MRIs and CT Scan and named it as a meningioma brain tumor, which was calcified (whatever that means). It was located in a region that was displacing the sinus vein (I’m told that’s the main vein) in my head. Regardless, both surgeons confirmed that it had to come out – now.
We told my seven-year-old daughter that mommy was having something removed from her head and it was no big deal, but I was going to have a bad haircut when I got home. I asked her to help me figure out how to hide my silly haircut and teased her that she couldn’t laugh at me. It seemed to work. She was more worried about my hair than me spending the night in the hospital. That's my girly girl! It was two months before she ever saw the scar.
The day before surgery a co-worker asked me how I was doing. With great confidence I was able to tell her I was completely at peace. I knew from the blessings I had experienced up to that point, God was not done with me. Through my prayers he showed me the glorious things that lead up to this moment. He pointed out the blessings one by one.
The Blessings
Blessing 1. Last April my daughter’s constant questioning of my essential tremors (which I have had since I was a teenager) lead me to see a neurologist to find a medication that would control my shaking. Blessing 2. The neurologist sent me for an MRI despite the fact that he knew from my symptoms that it was essential tremors.
Blessing 3. The radiologist found what appeared to be a bone spur on my skull. That’s not what he was looking for, so it was an incidental find.
Blessing 4. My husband and I decided we weren’t getting any younger and our only daughter was already 7. My OBGYN was booked solid and I wasn’t able to get in to see her about starting fertility drugs until December.. (I’m told fertility drugs would have sped up the growth of the tumor.)
Blessing 5. When sending me for a follow up MRI, my neurologist suggested I go ahead and do it before the end of the year (since my deductible was already paid for the year).
Blessing 6. My boss is persistent (and I’m thankful) and told me I needed to get my results sooner than later. She even made the call for me to the radiologist, because I was afraid I would be a bother if I called myself.
Blessing 7. The radiologist allowed me to come to the office and view my results that afternoon. She was patient and kind and spent a great deal of time explaining the findings. She even sent me a text the following day, just to see how I was doing. What an amazing doctor!
Blessing 8. I work in health care. I knew that I might need to be pushy to find out what to do next. I made my follow-up appointment with my neurologist and pushed to get it quickly.
Blessing 9. It was during the holidays, so my husband had no problems going to appointments with me. At another time, it would have been difficult for him to arrange his schedule.
Blessing 10. We got in to see a neurosurgeon in two working days. (That almost never happens!)
Blessing 11. After speaking with the first neurosurgeon I went back to work and called a co-worker to ask her help in deciding what to do next. She’s extremely busy and almost never available when I call. That day she was in her office and took the time to help me to get an appointment with another neurosurgeon. He agreed to see me that day (on his lunch hour, I’m sure).
Blessing 12. My co-worker (and friend) went with me to the appointment and being an RN was able to ask the questions I was not able to ask at that point. It’s really too much to take in on your own.
Blessing 13. Since my husband was not able to go with me to see the second neurosurgeon (the one that actually knew what it was), the surgeon agreed to meet with us later that week. My husband (a coach) was running a tournament that week and had one 3-hour window when he was available to meet with the surgeon. After learning the surgeon was in surgery that morning and wouldn’t be able to see us at that time, the office manager called me back and said he had agreed to come into the office after an early morning surgery so that we wouldn’t have to wait until the following week.
Blessing 14. This surgeon trained at the nations best neurosurgery centers and ended up in our small town just a couple of years prior to this event.
Blessing 15. People who loved me, people who prayed for me, and people who prayed WITH me surrounded me. I work for an amazing healthcare network where God has called many faithful, skillful and compassionate caregivers.
Blessing 16. I went for the final MRI before my surgery on a Saturday. I was thinking I would have to go alone, because my husband was working (that tournament). He showed up -- as did two other amazing women who were there to support me (one of which was the manager of the MRI Center and the other friend had been through brain surgery a year prior).
Blessing 17. The leader of Mission Integration for Texas, and a former boss, called me the night before surgery and said he would be in town to meet me and my family to pray before surgery. It was 5:30 am! Anyone who gets up that early when they don’t have to is a blessing in my book! He also stayed with my family through the surgery. A lot of blessings came out of the time they spent together, but I will get to that another time. J
Blessing 18. The pathology report was back before I came out of surgery. All was benign!
Blessing 19. I had an amazing nurse in ICU that anticipated my every need.
Blessing 20. I knew the Intensivist working that day in ICU. Just knowing he was there to help me through the nausea that followed surgery was a comfort to me.
Blessing 21. I was able to go home the day after surgery (straight from ICU). As I was leaving my wonderful co-workers met us at the door with flowers and well wishes. One of my friends said I was amazing. And my response was, “No. God is amazing.” And He is! That was a defining moment for me.
Blessing 22. I was able to get home before my daughter got home from school. I was able to see her and hug her just one day after brain surgery!
The blessings go on and on. I find them hiding in the craziness of every day. I look for them when stress seems to be consuming me. I can’t explain the change in me, but I pray that those around me can see a better person post brain tumor. I’m certainly a happier person. I have found more purpose in my work. I think I’m a better mom. I know I’m a better wife (we talk about everything now)! And most important… I’m closer to God.
If you read this far... thank you. I hope you will find blessings in all situations. I hope through increased gratitude you will find the same joy I now have in my life -- all because a brain tumor saved my life by bringing me closer to God.
"A joyful heart is life itself, and rejoicing lengthens one's life span." SIRACH 30:22
