The blessing of faith.

THE HEART OF SUMMER
This summer was a tough one and at the same time, it was a great one. At the beginning of the summer my mom asked my nine year old, "what are you going to do this summer?" Her reply, "I guess we're having heart surgery."  And that we did. 

Two and a half years after my daughter watched me go through brain surgery, she had to watch her dad go through heart surgery. No nine year old should have to know so much about brains and leaky hearts. No man in his early 40's should have to go through heart surgery, but my husband did. They both handled it like champs, but I had a pretty rough time holding it all together. 

He was an otherwise extremely healthy man and after lots of prayer and faith that God was going to take care of us, Bill headed into surgery.  After it taking twice as long as we expected and learning that there was an additional heart issue that was discovered and fixed, my strong and determined husband began the road to recovery.  After eight long days in the hospital (with various ups and downs) we finally headed home.

It has been somewhat of a rough recovery, but my other half is starting to feel like his old self. The blessing in it was that we went through it together. As strange as it seems, he took care of me as much as I took care of him. And by our caring for each other, we set an example for our daughter.

In the worry, the chaos, the exhaustion, I did find blessings.
-  My bible. I started an online bible study just a few days before the surgery. I was faithful in reading Psalms everyday. Being reminded that David went through ups and downs, joys, sorrows, exhaustion -- it made me connect to the bible like I haven't done in the past. I know God heard my cries. I had faith that He heard my cries.
- Our friends. They brought food. They prayed with us. They prayed for us. They listened to me when I was at my wits end.
- My husband understands that I need my sleep. He worked out a system with a nurse in the hospital to try and let me sleep one night. It was the sweetest thing he could have done for me at that moment. 


This summer is the one my family will always remember as the summer of heart surgery.

It plays over and over again in my head. I'm sitting in my car - exhausted. I take a deep breath, something I've come to take for granted. But not today. Today I realize that being able to expand my lungs after a swift jog from the grocery store to my car in the pouring rain is a blessing. As I sit, trying to take a moment for myself, tears gather in my tired eyes. It's too much. It's just too much to handle all at once. I bow my head in prayer, because I know that I need God's strength.

How many times have you been right where I was that day? So tired you can't think straight. So overwhelmed that a simple daily task sends you over the edge. How many times have you cried out to God for help when you've reached the end of the rope? 

Leading up to that moment, I spent eight days in the hospital by my husband's side as he recovered from heart surgery. Just a few hours prior to my grocery store run, we made the nerve-racking drive two hours to our home. The whole drive - with him twisting and wrenching in pain as he tried to relax in the back seat -  I prayed to God to just get us home safely.  To keep him as comfortable as possible, and to help me not to do anything stupid to make his already tense nerves tighten up due to my driving. (It was probably a good thing it was recommended he sit in the back seat since he doesn't trust my driving much.) 

After getting him home, I called on his dad to come sit with him while I ran to the pharmacy to get his prescriptions and picked up a few things at the grocery store to fill our pantry of low sodium foods. Who knew finding low sodium foods would be so stressful? But to me, at this moment, it proved to be too much.   

As I approached the exit at the store, I saw rain coming down in buckets. I didn't have time to wait for the rain to lighten up. So, I ran across the parking lot in the pouring rain. As I did, I could feel myself giving up hope on keeping it together any longer. 

Reaching the car, I quickly loaded the no salt, no taste food into the back. It was no use... I was soaked to the bone. And overwhelmed with defeat. 

I started the car, took a deep breath, and let the tension of the eight days release through tears as I prayed to God for strength to keep going. This was just the beginning of Bill's recovery.  

   

BLESSINGS OF BEING A MOM

HOW DO I KNOW I'M FULFILLING MY PURPOSE AS A MOM?
Mother's Day is a day to celebrate the fact that God loves me enough to entrust me with a child's life.  Whether biological or through the blessing of adoption, I know mom's all over the country are reflecting on how we are doing or have done in raising our children.  I am especially blessed to have a smart, thoughtful, creative daughter who today made me stop and think about how my life, my experiences, my actions shape her on a daily basis. And to be perfectly honest -- that scares me to death!

This morning as Bethany and I were driving over to my mom's house to deliver her Mother's Day gift, she struck up a conversation from the back seat as she often does. It usually comes out of nowhere and I spend hours later wondering why something may be occupying her little mind. The gist of it was that she was the only person in her class that was an only child. She said she was lucky... she didn't have to share with anyone.  Not exactly how I want her to think about being an only child, but I had no rebuttal at the time.

Later as we sat watching American Girl movies (my Mother's Day gift was to not have to watch animated movies), I began to reflect on this little conversation that was seemingly insignificant.

THE BLESSING OF GOD'S KINDNESS.
She's an only child not for the lack of trying, but after I was diagnosed with a brain tumor, though everything is now perfectly fine, we chose to leave it up to God and not pursue medical advancements to conceive a second child. I feel like God has provided amazing grace already in my life. As undeserving as I am, I didn't.. I couldn't... ask for more.

1 Peter 5:10
¹⁰ But God shows undeserved kindness to everyone. That’s why he appointed Christ Jesus to choose you to share in his eternal glory. You will suffer for a while, but God will make you complete, steady, strong, and firm. 

 How true that verse is to me. Though my dreams don't come true the way I think maybe they should, there's no doubt that through suffering, God has made me more complete, steadier, stronger and firmer in my faith. And because God made me complete, steady, strong and firm (in my faith), I am raising my beautiful girl the best I know how. 

When reflecting on my trials and tribulations, I can't help but wonder, what would I be without my suffering? I share my life with my mom and step-dad, my sister, brother-in-law, nephew, in-laws and wonderful extended family. I have a job, a nice roof over my head, a faithful husband that loves me, and yes, that amazing daughter that began this whole thought process with her conversation starter that came out of nowhere... or maybe it came from God on this special day.  

WHAT IS SUFFERING?
Was multiple back surgeries in my teens and early 20's suffering? Was losing my dad when I was 22 suffering? What about the numerous jobs that were painfully wrong for me? Was living with my in-laws for a year as we built our beautiful home suffering? Was returning to school full-time, working full-time and being a wife and mom suffering? Was discovering I had a brain tumor suffering? Was realizing a second child was not in our future suffering? Was nursing my husband through back surgery and heart procedures suffering? Is enduring massive changes and disappointments in my career suffering?

Without experiencing physical pain in my life, I wouldn't have compassion for those that suffer from injury or illness. Without losing my Dad, I wouldn't cherish my relationship with my mom knowing I'm blessed to still have her in my life. My mom and sister became much more important in my life after my Dad was gone. I learned that life is short and to not take those we love for granted.  

Without having to live with my in-laws while building our dream house, I wouldn't have practiced patience for a full year and learned that through prayer, God can keep us from saying things we will later regret. And the sometimes the best thing to do is live by example.  

Through going back to school full time for my master's degree while being a working mother and coach's wife, I learned I can accomplish anything through hard work and dedication. And I showed my daughter that she can do anything she sets her mind to.

Through a brain tumor, I experienced God's peace -- God's amazing peace that surpasses all understanding. I know it's real.

Through taking care of my husband during injury, I grew to appreciate what he does for us daily. And through the discovery of his heart condition, I realized my love for him is greater than I even knew it was.  

ONE ACTUALLY IS ENOUGH FOR ME.

Through knowing more biological children were not in our future, I came to understand that what God gave me was more than enough. I have the most amazing daughter imaginable. As she enters her preteen years (a little early), I hope to keep in mind that she is everything God needs her to be for me. She will challenge me in the best ways. She will love me deeper than I deserve. She will be my best friend and I will be her greatest enemy all in the same day -- or the same hour perhaps.  I know the days ahead are not going to be easy, but they are going to be what God needs them to be for my life and hers. 

So over the next 10 -15 years, I will do my best to improve myself through each trial and tribulation that comes my way -- for her sake.  I will show her daily that through faith, goodness, understanding, self-control and yes, patience with her when she rears her ugly teenage attitude, I will show her God's greatest blessing in my life is her. I will show her how through parenting her, she is making me into the faithful servant God is calling me to be. And through my love for her, I hope she finds God has blessed her with a mother that is not even close to perfect -- but is just good enough to make her into the complete, steady, strong and firm woman of God that He designed her to be.

GROW IN GOD THROUGH EACH SIGN OF SUFFERING.
Everyone has their own mountains to climb. And I know she will have her own when trying to deal with the perfectly imperfect mother that I am. But with God, all things are possible, right? 

So I pray to teach her that yes, you do have to share with others even when you don't have siblings. But no matter what you have and what you share with others, the most important thing to share is faith. I feel like if she learns to share her faith, she will have no problem sharing love, kindness, understanding, and patience to those that cross her path. And that is a mother's dream come true.

2 Peter 1:5-8
⁵ Do your best to improve your faith. You can do this by adding goodness, understanding, ⁶ self-control, patience, devotion to God, ⁷ concern for others, and love. ⁸ If you keep growing in this way, it will show that what you know about our Lord Jesus Christ has made your lives useful and meaningful.

BLESSINGS OF BURDEN

Find the Blessing in the Midst of Burden

And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.  
2 Corinthians 12:9-10

God is with us. 

God promises us that He will go before us. He will never abandon us or forsake us.

When we are struggling or feel alone, how easily we forget that he is with us.  How often do we forget to seek God’s will rather than our own solutions. For our problems may not actually be problems.

When we hit a bump in the road, let us not forget to remain thankful.  Sometimes God uses us to do His will in the most uncomfortable, most stressful, most painful situations. We are blessed when we are His vessel for reaching those who don’t know Him, have forgotten Him or just need to be reminded that they are loved by Him.  We’re blessed when we see the opportunity in the moment. We can’t find that blessing unless we are strong enough in faith to reach beyond our own desire or distress and see that there is much more to our story than what can be seen from our own eyes.  Looking at things with the perspective of “what can I do with this,” rather than “what is this doing to me,” can open up a whole new world of possibilities. 

Getting out of the comfort zone.

I have stretched far beyond who I thought I was supposed to be simply by letting God show me how He can use me. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be using scripture to support my friends and co-workers. But at some point in the last few years my vision of who I want to be has shifted. And here I am.    

I don’t believe that God gave me a brain tumor to change my life. I think because of God my eyes were opened in that moment.  It was a gift that I found God’s amazing grace in the midst of fear, worry, sadness and anger.  He opened my eyes to a life I never knew I was meant to live. 

Now, when I can pull the right bible verse and send it in a text, an email or on special occasions when I’m able to deliver it in person, I feel I have purpose. I can’t describe how I feel when God gives me the exact words someone else needs to hear and allows me to be His delivery system. 

Sometime I feel like God makes me travel outside of my delivery area.  That’s when I feel like I’m not capable of doing the work God is calling me to do.  It’s uncomfortable. But in the end it always makes me glad I’m working for God and able to deliver His love to others. 

My Mamaw. My blessing not my burden. 

Me, Bethany and Mamaw at Mother's Day Brunch 2017.

My Mamaw was recently in the hospital and I thought this was a great opportunity for me to do God’s work and help her and my mom through it. I wanted to be able to be there for her so that my mom wouldn’t need to travel back and forth to see Mamaw. I wanted to be there for mom as a way to lighten my her load. After a few days I was getting frustrated. I was feeling like it was becoming a chore. This was my grandmother who I love dearly. Why would the extra effort that it took me to make myself available to be there when the doctor stopped by and the time that it was taking me to spend a few hours a day with her make me so exhausted? I was angry with myself for feeling this way. I know people go months and years taking care of loved ones that are sick. I just wasn’t ready for that to be me. I felt guilty for the thoughts even entering my mind.
One afternoon I was sitting at my desk and I knew I needed to go see her. I didn't know what else to do except pray. I asked God to help me enjoy the time with my Mamaw. Somewhere between my desk and her hospital room, God gave me the ability to have a different perspective. I AM really blessed that I could be there for Mamaw. How great was it that I work in the hospital and it was a short walk up to her room! How fantastic that I could be there in a moment’s notice to hear what the doctor had to say about her condition. I kept telling myself it’s a blessing not a burden. 

That afternoon she and I had a talk about my grandpa. We spoke about how wonderful my PaPaw had been to me and my sister and we shared some fun memories. She told me about my great grandma and her brothers and sisters. She shared some regrets. She shared some frustrations. She shared some things with me that had obviously been weighing heavy on her mind.   

After that talk I no longer felt burdened. Mamaw is doing well and has moved to rehab to get stronger. I love that she gets excited when I come see her.  I feel like changing my perspective from how difficult things were for me to how grateful I was for the ability to serve her made a difference in both of us.

I'm not saying it's always going to be easy to be there for her, but I know now that it's not a burden. God's grace is enough to get me through it. When I am at my weakest, He will make me strong. 

God allowed me the opportunity to be there for her and all I had to do was open my eyes to it being an opportunity God placed before me instead of a burden He placed on me. 

When your heart is heavy and you feel burdened. Turn your eyes to Jesus and remember….
 

Deuteronomy 31:8   It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”

Embrace each opportunity to turn burden into blessing.  God's grace is enough. 

BLESSINGS OF GETTING OLDER

A couple of days ago, I put 40 behind me and thanked God for a year full of extreme highs and extreme lows – all of which led me closer to Him.

I’m not going to lie … forty was a lot worse than I thought it would be! But for me, life really did begin at forty.  With forty came a new life; one where I see God’s work more vividly, I find His hidden treasures in times of sadness or struggle, I make time to listen for God to speak to me and I speak to Him from my heart - openly and without hesitation.

Actually, I also speak more openly and with less hesitation to EVERYONE. I’m certain that my filter was attached to the brain tumor. When the tumor was removed… so was my filter.  But I don’t think that was a bad thing. 

I met some wonderful new people through my experiences this year. I connected to friends and co-workers on a whole new level.  I reconnected with childhood friends and have been able to spend time with and get to know extended family that I barely knew a year ago. 

Forty wasn’t terrible by any means.  

I learned to keep Proverbs 3: 5-6 front and center in my life.  That alone makes for a more beautiful life.

Proverbs 3:5-6

“ Trust in the Lord with all your heart

And do not lean on your own understanding.

In all your ways acknowledge Him,

And He will make your paths straight.”

I learned God’s timing and my timing are nowhere near the same.

I learned work CAN wait.

I learned it’s important for God to be in the center of not just my personal life, but also my work life. 

I learned to laugh at myself and it’s ok for my friends to laugh at me too.

I learned the best way to take a vacation is to put away technology and enjoy people.

I learned each day is a blessing and not to take that for granted.

I learned everyone has their own story.  Ask others to share their stories with you. We can learn a lot from others.

I learned to encourage others and share scripture more often. You never know whom God is using you to touch. Be willing to allow God to work through you and in you.

I learned God puts the right people in your life at the right time. Thank them for being willing to be God's light in your life. 

I learned the most important thing I can teach my daughter is to know God and pray.

My Year in Pictures.

Bethany and I at muffins with mom sporting my fancy headband.  It was all hats and headbands for 6 months after surgery on January 12, 2016.






Having hat day. Me, Bethany and Bill taking selfies
just because we can!

Saying goodbye to fabulous work group and learning to embrace change in the work place in April.  Jana Whitaker, April Leman, Erin Rogers and I joined different work groups. I'm happy to say we are all still working in the same area.... but things are certainly different.

We are clearly handling it well! :)

Getting to know Jonathan and Deborah better during an amazing pilgrimage to France where we followed in the footsteps of our founding Saints, St. Louise De Marillac and St. Vincent DePaul. 

 Making wonderful new friends on our journey in France. DebBrown (all one word) :), Elizabeth Steger, me and Jame Petrich sharing some quality time in France. Amazing individuals!!

Family photo at Disneyland! (minus a few).
Aviva, Drew, Cole, Paige, Bethany, PawPaw Sharp, Matt & Bill.

Sharing fun in the sun and surf at Huntington Beach. 

Bill and I enjoyed our 11th anniversary at Disneyland with a large group of family, but we did find time to spend alone celebrating our marriage.  I'm so blessed to have this handsome guy!

This fall our parish celebrated the Sisters who serve in Waco. Just days before this photo we learned our beloved Daughters of Charity (front row) will be departing Waco in the Spring of 2017. They will be greatly missed.  

What I learned at 40 will carry me through the rest of my life knowing God is with me always. 

I’m looking forward to starting fresh at 41 with more joy in my heart, more passion for God’s word, and more love to share. 

CELEBRATING SAINTS WHO WALK AMONG US

Today was one of the best days I've had at work in a long time. It wasn't the particular task I was working on, but it was the people I encountered. Those working along side me today, nursing directors, our COO and other amazing colleagues made the most hectic hours of the day highly enjoyable.

I loved seeing people I don't often have the opportunity to see. It was a blessing to meet new people and encounter so many friendly smiles. I shared our mission and told a quick story of the Daughters of Charity and St. Vincent DePaul to several visitors who stopped by to ask about the festivities.

But it wasn't until mid afternoon when I encountered a special ICU nurse that it hit me how grateful I am that I was able to spend my day handing out t-shirts. That brief few minutes when I was able to see Heather, the nurse who cared for me while I was in ICU, were the most special few moments of my day.

Immediately when I saw her my heart felt full. I remembered how wonderful and comforted she made me feel when I was in such a vulnerable state. I recalled how she made me feel like I was her only patient even though it was a full house and she was juggling several, I'm sure.

Today, I had to stop and take a moment to thank God for this amazing nurse and the impact she had on me. My eyes filled with tears at the sight of her. Joy overwhelmed me to have the opportunity to hug her and tell her how thankful I am that she was there for me.

I encountered many very special, talented people during my hospital stay and I am grateful for each and every person who cared for me in some capacity.

And that's why it means the world to me to hand out a t-shirt on a very special day when we celebrate Saint Vincent's Feast Day. It's not just about a goodie item or a free meal. It's about the people who carry the mission forward day in and day out. People like Heather. Amazingly awesome people.

Today I feel like I was the one who benefited the most. I was able to see and talk to the saints (both clinical and non-clinical) who walk among us everyday.


We must hope that God, in His goodness, will bless your efforts and bestow upon you all the graces you need to accomplish His most holy will because you were chosen for this work by the guidance of Divine Providence. - Louise de Marillac

BLESSINGS FROM HEAVEN

My Dad.
My Dad.  He loved his family more than anything. He was smart. He was kind. He was helpful. He was quiet, but extremely observant. When he did speak up, it meant something. He was a big guy that frightened off lousy boyfriends and kept my sister and I out of trouble... for the most part.  Nothing was worst than disappointing my Dad. Yet I know in my heart that no matter how many times I may have disappointed him, he loved me still. Dad loved me like our Father in heaven -- constant, never wavering, even when I felt I didn't deserve it. 

Dad & Colby

Dad left this earth 18 years ago today. It was a Sunday. I remember too vividly. Daddy had melanoma. He worked up until he just couldn't work any more -- just a couple of months before he died.  That's just how he was. He worked hard. Sometimes in a job he couldn't stand, but he did it anyway. He had a job for many years that ate at him so much that it made him sick in the morning before work.  I would have never known it, but Mom told us years later, maybe to show us how much Dad really loved us and put us before himself.

Saying Goodbye.
When things took a turn for the worst, Daddy took time to say his goodbyes to each of us. I'll never forget him telling me that he knew Amy would be fine. She had Jody and Daddy had no doubt that he would always care for her.  He told me I would be fine on my own, which I couldn't understand at the time; but it became clear shortly after he passed. He said I was smart and I had good common sense.   And he asked me to take care of my Mom.

All of that didn't mean as much to me as his final ask.  He encouraged me to finish college, because he never did and he said that it made things hard at times. He wanted me to enjoy my work. He said, "Life's too short to be unhappy."  He made me promise that if I wasn't happy, I would change something.

Those words will forever be a blessing to me.

When You're Unhappy, Make a Change.
I took those words very literal early on in my career.  I changed jobs more often than most people change the oil in their car.  When I became unhappy, I made a change. Unfortunately, I changed jobs instead of how I handled things. 

As I've grown in faith, I know that changing something is sometimes changing the situation, sometimes changing myself, and sometimes a combination of both. I no longer jump ship when unhappiness sets in, but rather I take time to evaluate the situation and myself. 
But why is it that when I had a brain tumor, I immediately turned to God, but when I have a non-life-threatening problem, it takes me awhile to realize I may need a deeper relationship with God so that He can guide me in how to make changes that lead back to fulfillment.  Recently, I think God has been giving me time in the valley to discover my need for Him is constant.

When I went back to work after my surgery, I would get up every morning and have breakfast with my daughter. As she watched cartoons, I read a daily devotional.  But as the scar began to heal, my routine began to change. I started sleeping in a little later and thought just saying my morning prayers was enough.  Well... it's not.

Time with God is time to set myself straight for the day. It helps me put things in perspective.  It opens my eyes to what God may be asking me to see.  It reminds me that my situations may be difficult, but with God all things are possible. That means that God can bring about change in a situation or He can bring about change in my heart. But in order for God to show me how he is working in my life, I must study His word, lean on Him in troubled times and ask His guidance in all I do.

Life is too short.
My Dad was right. Life is too short not to enjoy your work. He was 52 when his family stood around him and saw him take his last breath. We watch him open his eyes, look to heaven and see Jesus calling him home. From that day, I have never once doubted that God was real. I saw him through the loss of my Dad. And years later I saw God again as he gave me the guidance and protection I needed by carrying me through brain surgery -- giving me new life.

I will never understand why God took my Dad, but spared me. Perhaps the influence he had on our family, and others was fulfilling God's plan, whereas He's not done with me yet.  Perhaps there is something more for me to accomplish before He calls me home.

Why my thoughts today carried me from the ever present sadness of losing my Dad to the need to spend more time in God's word, I'm not sure.  Perhaps remembering my Dad reminds me of the day I saw for myself that God called my Daddy home to a better place where he is enjoying his work in heaven. Or maybe God led me to seek his word to carry me through the next few days when memories of losing my Dad weigh heavy on my heart. Whatever the reason, I certainly can't argue that I need to make a change to seek God's word more deeply and more often.

My Dad was an amazing Dad and a blessing to me and many others; he continues to be a blessing in my life through memories. I can celebrate the memories he gave me during his time on earth. And I can cherish the memory he left me with as he entered the kingdom of heaven.

My Dad -- was, is and always will be a blessing from heaven.  I truly am blessed.  I have two wonderful fathers watching over me from heaven -- God our Father and my Dad.