The blessing of faith.
THE HEART OF SUMMER
This summer was a tough one and at the same time, it was a great one. At the beginning of the summer my mom asked my nine year old, "what are you going to do this summer?" Her reply, "I guess we're having heart surgery." And that we did.
Two and a half years after my daughter watched me go through brain surgery, she had to watch her dad go through heart surgery. No nine year old should have to know so much about brains and leaky hearts. No man in his early 40's should have to go through heart surgery, but my husband did. They both handled it like champs, but I had a pretty rough time holding it all together.
He was an otherwise extremely healthy man and after lots of prayer and faith that God was going to take care of us, Bill headed into surgery. After it taking twice as long as we expected and learning that there was an additional heart issue that was discovered and fixed, my strong and determined husband began the road to recovery. After eight long days in the hospital (with various ups and downs) we finally headed home.
It has been somewhat of a rough recovery, but my other half is starting to feel like his old self. The blessing in it was that we went through it together. As strange as it seems, he took care of me as much as I took care of him. And by our caring for each other, we set an example for our daughter.
In the worry, the chaos, the exhaustion, I did find blessings.
- My bible. I started an online bible study just a few days before the surgery. I was faithful in reading Psalms everyday. Being reminded that David went through ups and downs, joys, sorrows, exhaustion -- it made me connect to the bible like I haven't done in the past. I know God heard my cries. I had faith that He heard my cries.
- Our friends. They brought food. They prayed with us. They prayed for us. They listened to me when I was at my wits end.
- My husband understands that I need my sleep. He worked out a system with a nurse in the hospital to try and let me sleep one night. It was the sweetest thing he could have done for me at that moment.
This summer is the one my family will always remember as the summer of heart surgery.
Wednesday, August 15, 2018
Monday, June 25, 2018
It plays over and over again in my head. I'm sitting in my car - exhausted. I take a deep breath, something I've come to take for granted. But not today. Today I realize that being able to expand my lungs after a swift jog from the grocery store to my car in the pouring rain is a blessing. As I sit, trying to take a moment for myself, tears gather in my tired eyes. It's too much. It's just too much to handle all at once. I bow my head in prayer, because I know that I need God's strength.
How many times have you been right where I was that day? So tired you can't think straight. So overwhelmed that a simple daily task sends you over the edge. How many times have you cried out to God for help when you've reached the end of the rope?
Leading up to that moment, I spent eight days in the hospital by my husband's side as he recovered from heart surgery. Just a few hours prior to my grocery store run, we made the nerve-racking drive two hours to our home. The whole drive - with him twisting and wrenching in pain as he tried to relax in the back seat - I prayed to God to just get us home safely. To keep him as comfortable as possible, and to help me not to do anything stupid to make his already tense nerves tighten up due to my driving. (It was probably a good thing it was recommended he sit in the back seat since he doesn't trust my driving much.)
After getting him home, I called on his dad to come sit with him while I ran to the pharmacy to get his prescriptions and picked up a few things at the grocery store to fill our pantry of low sodium foods. Who knew finding low sodium foods would be so stressful? But to me, at this moment, it proved to be too much.
As I approached the exit at the store, I saw rain coming down in buckets. I didn't have time to wait for the rain to lighten up. So, I ran across the parking lot in the pouring rain. As I did, I could feel myself giving up hope on keeping it together any longer.
Reaching the car, I quickly loaded the no salt, no taste food into the back. It was no use... I was soaked to the bone. And overwhelmed with defeat.
I started the car, took a deep breath, and let the tension of the eight days release through tears as I prayed to God for strength to keep going. This was just the beginning of Bill's recovery.
Sunday, May 13, 2018
BLESSINGS OF BEING A MOM
HOW DO I KNOW I'M FULFILLING MY PURPOSE AS A MOM?
Mother's Day is a day to celebrate the fact that God loves me enough to entrust me with a child's life. Whether biological or through the blessing of adoption, I know mom's all over the country are reflecting on how we are doing or have done in raising our children. I am especially blessed to have a smart, thoughtful, creative daughter who today made me stop and think about how my life, my experiences, my actions shape her on a daily basis. And to be perfectly honest -- that scares me to death!
This morning as Bethany and I were driving over to my mom's house to deliver her Mother's Day gift, she struck up a conversation from the back seat as she often does. It usually comes out of nowhere and I spend hours later wondering why something may be occupying her little mind. The gist of it was that she was the only person in her class that was an only child. She said she was lucky... she didn't have to share with anyone. Not exactly how I want her to think about being an only child, but I had no rebuttal at the time.
Later as we sat watching American Girl movies (my Mother's Day gift was to not have to watch animated movies), I began to reflect on this little conversation that was seemingly insignificant.
THE BLESSING OF GOD'S KINDNESS.
She's an only child not for the lack of trying, but after I was diagnosed with a brain tumor, though everything is now perfectly fine, we chose to leave it up to God and not pursue medical advancements to conceive a second child. I feel like God has provided amazing grace already in my life. As undeserving as I am, I didn't.. I couldn't... ask for more.
How true that verse is to me. Though my dreams don't come true the way I think maybe they should, there's no doubt that through suffering, God has made me more complete, steadier, stronger and firmer in my faith. And because God made me complete, steady, strong and firm (in my faith), I am raising my beautiful girl the best I know how.
When reflecting on my trials and tribulations, I can't help but wonder, what would I be without my suffering? I share my life with my mom and step-dad, my sister, brother-in-law, nephew, in-laws and wonderful extended family. I have a job, a nice roof over my head, a faithful husband that loves me, and yes, that amazing daughter that began this whole thought process with her conversation starter that came out of nowhere... or maybe it came from God on this special day.
WHAT IS SUFFERING?
Was multiple back surgeries in my teens and early 20's suffering? Was losing my dad when I was 22 suffering? What about the numerous jobs that were painfully wrong for me? Was living with my in-laws for a year as we built our beautiful home suffering? Was returning to school full-time, working full-time and being a wife and mom suffering? Was discovering I had a brain tumor suffering? Was realizing a second child was not in our future suffering? Was nursing my husband through back surgery and heart procedures suffering? Is enduring massive changes and disappointments in my career suffering?
Without experiencing physical pain in my life, I wouldn't have compassion for those that suffer from injury or illness. Without losing my Dad, I wouldn't cherish my relationship with my mom knowing I'm blessed to still have her in my life. My mom and sister became much more important in my life after my Dad was gone. I learned that life is short and to not take those we love for granted.
Without having to live with my in-laws while building our dream house, I wouldn't have practiced patience for a full year and learned that through prayer, God can keep us from saying things we will later regret. And the sometimes the best thing to do is live by example.
Through going back to school full time for my master's degree while being a working mother and coach's wife, I learned I can accomplish anything through hard work and dedication. And I showed my daughter that she can do anything she sets her mind to.
Through a brain tumor, I experienced God's peace -- God's amazing peace that surpasses all understanding. I know it's real.
Through taking care of my husband during injury, I grew to appreciate what he does for us daily. And through the discovery of his heart condition, I realized my love for him is greater than I even knew it was.
ONE ACTUALLY IS ENOUGH FOR ME.
Through knowing more biological children were not in our future, I came to understand that what God gave me was more than enough. I have the most amazing daughter imaginable. As she enters her preteen years (a little early), I hope to keep in mind that she is everything God needs her to be for me. She will challenge me in the best ways. She will love me deeper than I deserve. She will be my best friend and I will be her greatest enemy all in the same day -- or the same hour perhaps. I know the days ahead are not going to be easy, but they are going to be what God needs them to be for my life and hers.
So over the next 10 -15 years, I will do my best to improve myself through each trial and tribulation that comes my way -- for her sake. I will show her daily that through faith, goodness, understanding, self-control and yes, patience with her when she rears her ugly teenage attitude, I will show her God's greatest blessing in my life is her. I will show her how through parenting her, she is making me into the faithful servant God is calling me to be. And through my love for her, I hope she finds God has blessed her with a mother that is not even close to perfect -- but is just good enough to make her into the complete, steady, strong and firm woman of God that He designed her to be.
GROW IN GOD THROUGH EACH SIGN OF SUFFERING.
Everyone has their own mountains to climb. And I know she will have her own when trying to deal with the perfectly imperfect mother that I am. But with God, all things are possible, right?
So I pray to teach her that yes, you do have to share with others even when you don't have siblings. But no matter what you have and what you share with others, the most important thing to share is faith. I feel like if she learns to share her faith, she will have no problem sharing love, kindness, understanding, and patience to those that cross her path. And that is a mother's dream come true.
Mother's Day is a day to celebrate the fact that God loves me enough to entrust me with a child's life. Whether biological or through the blessing of adoption, I know mom's all over the country are reflecting on how we are doing or have done in raising our children. I am especially blessed to have a smart, thoughtful, creative daughter who today made me stop and think about how my life, my experiences, my actions shape her on a daily basis. And to be perfectly honest -- that scares me to death!This morning as Bethany and I were driving over to my mom's house to deliver her Mother's Day gift, she struck up a conversation from the back seat as she often does. It usually comes out of nowhere and I spend hours later wondering why something may be occupying her little mind. The gist of it was that she was the only person in her class that was an only child. She said she was lucky... she didn't have to share with anyone. Not exactly how I want her to think about being an only child, but I had no rebuttal at the time.
Later as we sat watching American Girl movies (my Mother's Day gift was to not have to watch animated movies), I began to reflect on this little conversation that was seemingly insignificant.
THE BLESSING OF GOD'S KINDNESS.
She's an only child not for the lack of trying, but after I was diagnosed with a brain tumor, though everything is now perfectly fine, we chose to leave it up to God and not pursue medical advancements to conceive a second child. I feel like God has provided amazing grace already in my life. As undeserving as I am, I didn't.. I couldn't... ask for more.
1 Peter 5:10
10 But God shows undeserved kindness to everyone. That’s why he appointed Christ Jesus to choose you to share in his eternal glory. You will suffer for a while, but God will make you complete, steady, strong, and firm.
How true that verse is to me. Though my dreams don't come true the way I think maybe they should, there's no doubt that through suffering, God has made me more complete, steadier, stronger and firmer in my faith. And because God made me complete, steady, strong and firm (in my faith), I am raising my beautiful girl the best I know how.
When reflecting on my trials and tribulations, I can't help but wonder, what would I be without my suffering? I share my life with my mom and step-dad, my sister, brother-in-law, nephew, in-laws and wonderful extended family. I have a job, a nice roof over my head, a faithful husband that loves me, and yes, that amazing daughter that began this whole thought process with her conversation starter that came out of nowhere... or maybe it came from God on this special day.
WHAT IS SUFFERING?
Was multiple back surgeries in my teens and early 20's suffering? Was losing my dad when I was 22 suffering? What about the numerous jobs that were painfully wrong for me? Was living with my in-laws for a year as we built our beautiful home suffering? Was returning to school full-time, working full-time and being a wife and mom suffering? Was discovering I had a brain tumor suffering? Was realizing a second child was not in our future suffering? Was nursing my husband through back surgery and heart procedures suffering? Is enduring massive changes and disappointments in my career suffering?
Without having to live with my in-laws while building our dream house, I wouldn't have practiced patience for a full year and learned that through prayer, God can keep us from saying things we will later regret. And the sometimes the best thing to do is live by example.
Through going back to school full time for my master's degree while being a working mother and coach's wife, I learned I can accomplish anything through hard work and dedication. And I showed my daughter that she can do anything she sets her mind to.
Through a brain tumor, I experienced God's peace -- God's amazing peace that surpasses all understanding. I know it's real.
Through taking care of my husband during injury, I grew to appreciate what he does for us daily. And through the discovery of his heart condition, I realized my love for him is greater than I even knew it was.
ONE ACTUALLY IS ENOUGH FOR ME.
So over the next 10 -15 years, I will do my best to improve myself through each trial and tribulation that comes my way -- for her sake. I will show her daily that through faith, goodness, understanding, self-control and yes, patience with her when she rears her ugly teenage attitude, I will show her God's greatest blessing in my life is her. I will show her how through parenting her, she is making me into the faithful servant God is calling me to be. And through my love for her, I hope she finds God has blessed her with a mother that is not even close to perfect -- but is just good enough to make her into the complete, steady, strong and firm woman of God that He designed her to be.
GROW IN GOD THROUGH EACH SIGN OF SUFFERING.
Everyone has their own mountains to climb. And I know she will have her own when trying to deal with the perfectly imperfect mother that I am. But with God, all things are possible, right? So I pray to teach her that yes, you do have to share with others even when you don't have siblings. But no matter what you have and what you share with others, the most important thing to share is faith. I feel like if she learns to share her faith, she will have no problem sharing love, kindness, understanding, and patience to those that cross her path. And that is a mother's dream come true.
2 Peter 1:5-8
5 Do your best to improve your faith. You can do this by adding goodness, understanding, 6 self-control, patience, devotion to God, 7 concern for others, and love. 8 If you keep growing in this way, it will show that what you know about our Lord Jesus Christ has made your lives useful and meaningful.
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